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‘LIFE’: The small print

Who reads Terms and Conditions?

Page after tedious page of boring get-outs and clauses that cause a glazing of the eyes. The worst thing is that you have no choice; if you want to move on, you have to tick the box.

And so it was when your mum got pregnant with you. Before bringing you into the world, she had to sign up to God knows what. Do you think your mum went through every caveat and subclause?

Of course she didn’t.

Your mum signed up to the basic idea of birthing you – she signed you up to ‘LIFE’ – but she didn’t scroll through the reams of small print. She was too busy painting the spare room pink or blue.

Your mum did what we all did, she scrolled through and ticked the ‘I agree’ box at the end.

But we’ve unearthed the original document. We’re not going to bore you with all 176 pages of small print, but it’s worth reviewing the basic terms and conditions that come with the deal that we call ‘LIFE’.

I thought you might like a few snippets of the Ts & Cs:

  1. ‘LIFE’ comes with NO guarantees and absolutely NO refunds.
  2. ‘LIFE’ is not fair (see clause 1)
  3. Grumbling that ‘LIFE’ is not fair is therefore true, but pointless.
  4. ‘LIFE’ comes with only one rule; sometimes you just have to suck it up. (see clauses 2 & 3)
  5. The length of ‘LIFE’ is variable. If you look after yourself you might experience an extended warranty. Note, ‘might’. (See clauses 1 to 4)
  6. The first few years of ‘LIFE’ are crucial but, even here, there are no guarantees. Your parents/guardians will be making it up as they go along. It’s pot luck. (See clause 2)
  7. It is the user’s responsibility to define what ‘happiness’ is for them. Note, this is highly variable. Some will find happiness in alcohol, others in purpose, some in countryside walks. Many will find happiness in shoes. Note; all are correct.
  8. ‘LIFE’ is a one-time thing. Despite what some people might say, there is no evidence that ‘LIFE’ can be lived again.
    1. Finding happiness is the sole responsibility of the user
    2. The management shall not be held responsible for the user failing to find happiness (See clauses 1 to 7)
  9. What you make of ‘LIFE’ is totally up to you (see clause 8.i)
  10. ‘LIFE’ sometimes waits until you are down before kicking you in the teeth. (See clauses 2 and 5)
  11. ‘LIFE’ is a contact sport (see clause 10)
  12. ‘LIFE’ is subject to change without notice.
  13. ‘LIFE’ is lived alongside other people who’ve also signed up to the exact same terms and conditions. When you look over your shoulder, their ‘LIFE’ might appear to be better than yours. There are no ‘swapsie deals’ (see clauses 1, 2, 3 & 9)
  14. Once you have jiggled about with the Basic Operating System you were born with, even if you were trying to improve yourself, you’re on your own.
  15. ‘LIFE’ is best lived loved.

At Art of Brill we hate fancy pants language and contracts. We specialise in simplicity. If you want to sign up for a BRILLIANT 2021 and beyond, we can help.

‘LIFE’, it’s what we do. It’s why we exist.

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