Today, something will go wrong. Someone might say something you don’t like. An event might occur that upsets you. The traffic might be bad and cause you to be late. The weather might turn, meaning you have to cancel plans.
All of these are external events. They are stimuli.
The external world is constantly throwing things at you. It can be fair or unfair, it is part of life.
The question is, how will you respond?
How we respond to these situations can be our defining moment. People don’t judge us on the event, they judge us on our response. How we view and respond to the situation sets us apart from everyone else. Some might respond in a way that means it’s game over, they get angry and upset and will leave lasting damage. Others might use it as a launch pad to better things.
A great point comes from psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl, “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
We need to learn to create some space between the stimulus and our response. If we can do that, it buys us time. We have more control. Whilst everyone else is losing their heads, we have learnt to keep ours.
Applying the Triple Filter Test from Socrates creates some space between the stimulus and response. He advised, before we speak, we should ask ourselves three questions:
- Is it true?
- Is it good?
- Is it useful?
If we can honestly answer yes to all three of those questions, then we should respond.
But if the answer is no to any or all of these questions, then we shouldn’t say anything at all.
Sure, it isn’t how we would necessarily like to respond. Perhaps we would like to tell that person what we really think of them. Of course we want to hit send on that strongly worded reply. Yes, we would like to wound with our words because we have been hurt. But does it help the situation in the long run? By not responding or responding in a manner that does not match theirs, it sets you apart. It raises you above.
As Edith Eger says, “Each moment is a choice. No matter how frustrating or boring or constraining or painful or oppressive our experience, we can always choose how we respond.”
Michelle Obama gets it. When she spoke at the Democratic National Convention in 2016, her famous line was, “When they go low, we go high.” She was referring to how she raised her daughters to respond when faced with negative comments by people. We have a choice in how we respond, we can match them and go for a low blow too or we can rise above. It’s not the easier option, but it will always be worth it in the long run.
We always have a choice. That space gives us a chance to recalibrate, to think clearly, to respond carefully.
Going high and choosing our response carefully not only gives us sangfroid: composure under pressure, but also gives us an advantage.
Sometimes silence is far more powerful a response than words. Simply put, is what we are about to say an improvement on silence? If it’s not, then don’t say anything at all.
Our response can be a source of strength or weakness. It is up to us.