It’s exam time – the silly season – when stress levels rise, and things can get a little fraught.
I’ve been studying the science of happiness for 20 years and here are a few lessons, for all the family, to help us calm the hell down and sail through the silly season:
Lesson #1: The 8:1 Ratio
The modern take is that you should be helping your child nurture a growth mindset, that is, an attitude that equates success with hard work. But, ‘nagging’, ‘punishment’ and ‘pointing out what’s wrong’ means kids will learn to stick to what they know to be safe which, over time, leads to a fixed mindset (example, ‘I’m rubbish at maths. I’ll never be able to learn it’). If you mix in a healthy dose of positive reinforcement, you will be rewarded with discretionary effort.
One of the most effective things a parent and/or grandparent can do is to use a positivity/negativity ratio of about 8:1. It may seem a lot and it can be difficult to get it right, but catch your child doing things well. Notice the little things and tell them. Oh, and mean it!
Lesson #2: Praise for effort rather than talent
The advice from positive psychology is that if your child accomplishes something, don’t say, ‘Well done, you are such a little genius!’ But rather, ‘Awesome, you put the effort in and got the reward.’
Here’s a concrete example. If your daughter does well in a mock maths exam, don’t high-five, ‘Holy cow, total genius girl. You were born to do quadratic equations.’ You’d be better off saying, ‘Amazing result. That’s what practice and hard work gets ya!’ and ruffle her hair in a friendly but annoying fashion.
Lesson #3: Never pay your children for exam results
A very common parenting trap! It’s so tempting, but let’s examine the sub-text of your well-meaning ‘payment by results’ system. What you are effectively saying is, ‘I understand that studying is a horrible thing to do. And I appreciate that you will only do it for money,’ and bang goes their love of learning. You are teaching them (albeit innocently and subconsciously) that learning is a chore.
You’d be better off suggesting that you’ll do a family day out as a reward for all their hard work.
Lesson #4: Celebrate strengths
A lot of people beat themselves up about what they’re not good at to the point that it stops them celebrating what they are good at. As a parent, it’s important that you are a strengths spotter.
Lesson #5: The 4-minute rule
Your emotions are contagious which is why I love Steve McDermott’s 4-minute rule. It’s so simple… all you’ve got to do is be positive and present for 4 minutes. If you nail the first 4 minutes, the whole atmosphere changes. So instead of ‘How was school?’, try asking (enthusiastically but not scarily so) ‘What was the very best thing about school today?’ or ‘What was the most amazing thing you learned?’ or ‘the funniest thing that happened?’ And then, the hardest part, give your child undivided attention and active listening for the full 4 minutes. Boom! You’ve changed them by being a better version of yourself.
Which brings me full circle. The only hard and fast rule of parenting is that your children won’t do what you say. But they will do what you do. So, here’s a bonus lesson… you will massively improve the odds of creating an enthusiastic, confident, optimistic, positive teenager by being enthusiastic, confident, optimistic, positive yourself.
Be the change!
Are you ready to hatch?
If the above lessons landed well with you, the brand new editions of “The Art of Being Brilliant” and The Art of Being a Brilliant Teenager” contain loads more just like them. Want a level up to “best version of yourself” for both you and the teenagers in your life? These are the books for you.